I started on this journey seeking the answers to my health and my future. I have worked hard to get to where I am now and there is no turning back. I always knew this would not be easy to overcome but I have to try. All the changes that have been happening to me over the last year has halted my happiness. I have not been able to do all the things I love due to the way I have felt. It has all been slowly taken away. I still have fairly good days where I can go out and enjoy the sunshine with the kiddos or a good day of fishing but its not without pain, just tolerable. It means I wake up every morning and my pain level is either tolerable or not tolerable, end of story. It is what is and right now I can not change what is happening to me, but I am trying to.
In the midst of all of this some things have happened that I wish I did not have to endure. I wish I didn't see what I did. I wish that I did not have to face the truth that I am faced with now. It is right in my face taunting me to do something about it for so long but now it has all been exposed and there is no turning back now.
What I saw was people turning their backs on me, telling me I am faking, over exaggerating my illness because I am lazy or I wanted the attention. It is utterly mind blowing to me how these people claim to know me but really know nothing about me. It has been the hardest thing out of all of this to deal with. I have seen their true colors and it has crushed me. The people in my life that are supposed to be there for me no matter what and to have my back, hold my hand and help me through all this, just shut me out. I have never been more devastated by such heartless and cold acts.
I have always been there for these people and would gladly take a bullet for any one of them. It is obvious to me now that these feelings are not mutual. Some are not as cruel but just as skeptical in saying they need "proof" that I am ill. I am sorry that I do not look the part that makes it easier for you to accept that I am sick. Having an invisible illness that only rears its ugly head to the outside of me on occasion is very frustrating when I have to deal with ignorant and non-supportive people in my life. I never thought that I would have to "prove" anything to anyone that is close to me and that knows me, but I was greatly mistaken.
Due to this overwhelming experience and other personal issues, I have decided to make some big changes in my life. I am getting rid of all the negative and all the drama. I no longer need to be surrounded by people who do not love or care for me the way that I do them. I no longer want to spend my days walking on egg shells around these people and pretending to be ok with the way they are treating me. I am not a doormat, do not take me for granted and do not mistake my kindness for weakness! I have learned a harsh lesson about love, trust and respect and it is one I learned the hard way.
So it is time for action! Out with the old and in with the new, onward I march! A new me is emerging from all this pain, a stronger, smarter me. I have grieved, been angry and now I am determined to change my life around.
So, tomorrow I embark on my journey to see the LLMD and meet up with a long lost friend. She has been helping me every step of the way and I can not thank her enough. She is a rock battling her own battles but still finds the time to help me get through it to. God has blessed me by putting us back in touch with her. Together, her and I will move mountains! I am so excited and terrified all at the same time for so many reasons. This is going to be a long tough journey for me but the outcome will make it all worthwhile and y'all will have a front roll seat!
See y'all on the other side!
PS: I do want to thank all my precious friends that have been there for me every step of the way and who have helped me through every rough day I have encountered. They are all God sent and I love them all. Y'all know who you are! ;)