So, to say the least it has been an excruciating last few months. From being drained mentally and physically to dealing with other issues. The days have been hard when I am dozing all the time and so overwhelmingly tired my brain is in a fog. I try to put on a smile and get through my day but sometimes…it just doesn't go as planned. I feel like I am missing out on all the fun things I used to do and everyone in the house is suffering with me.
The physical part of this is exhausting just by itself but add the mental dilemma to it as well and…lets just say its pure hell! There is so much stress with not knowing my future and not knowing if I will ever get answers and be validated. I try to keep my thoughts positive and my outlook bright, but there are days that the darkness slips in.
I’m here with just the kids most of the time since my husband is only home one week out of the month. It makes all this extremely difficult relying on the help of my oldest. She is a godsend to me. She has had to grow up way to quickly and take on more responsibility than I know she wanted at this age when Daddy is away. It seems even when he is home things don’t go as planned either and that drives me crazy. It’s hard to try and explain to him what I am going through and how difficult this all is.
I think sometimes he thinks I am nuts or I am making it all up for attention. I know he is lost on what to do or how to feel but GUESS WHAT….so am I! He comes home and wants to play and all I want to do is rest or spend alone time to reconnect. I feel like I have lost my best friend in all this. It has put a huge strain on our marriage and our friendship and that devastates me. I have tried all I know how to do and that’s all I can do for now.
The little ones seem to take better to all this than anyone. They are very resilient in many ways. They help when they are needed and they let me rest when I need rest. Trust me, they do have their bad days but the good days make up for it ten fold. I try to keep them busy with sports and school activities so they are occupied and fulfilled. This seems to be working for now.
I also have a partner in crime that sees all the good and bad of me, everyday…every night. It’s my Gumbo. She is always by my side, when I am rushing to the bathroom to when I can’t move from the bed, she is always there to comfort me and just be. Everything I need and want from someone else, she is. She fills the void where the kids can’t reach of companionship. I can talk to her to my hearts content and she just looks at me and listens to me ramble on and on. She never judges me, scolds me, yells at me, look down on me, hurt me or betray me. She is always there for a quick cuddle and a quick lick of the face. She is my unconditional friend.
With all the chaos in my life I still find ways to bring some happiness back in besides the kids and my loyal friend Gumbo. If you haven’t noticed I love to take pictures. I love to capture a moment that would otherwise be lost. It brings me joy to remember things and these days is not to far fetched to say, I may not remember in time. My memory is failing me when it was so perfect before this. For anyone who knows me my photogenic memory never failed me. Whether it was going somewhere once and coming back years later and not needing a map or to find a secret spot in the woods we had not been to in years, I could always find my way by my memory. Remembering whole conversations word for word, remembering all the little details with a picture in my mind. It was truly a gift as I can see I don’t think many people have. These days I am lucky to remember anything short term. The girls I coach in soccer must think I am crazy because I have to relearn their names every practice, every game…its just sad. I once could take a mental picture and be done with it…not anymore.
I hope, sometime it will all come flooding back to me…but all I can do now is pray.
So enough of the somber tonight…off to watch some Sons of Anarchy and Boardwalk Empire!